How should I say now. Erm.
I met few people these past few days. Well throughout this holiday I went out just a few times including going to driving classes before. How introvert. But actually I would say, I hate going out. I hate people so much. LOL. Nahh, I dont hate people randomly. There are certain people who really love to pull the trigger of my anger. What have I done exactly for them to shun me that way?
I really despise people who look at me, I mean they glare at me! They stare at me like their eyes were going to penetrate inside of me. Is it because I wore something loose, big or they define it as shabby clothes. People call us ustazah, berlagak alim and more. Mind your tongue dude. The tongue dont have bones but it's incredibly can break someone's heart in a second.
During JPJ test, there was a guy who sat on a bench. While we were waiting for our turn, I heard someone called us. "Ustazah". 5 times! I heard him, but I decide to ignore but my friend protested "Adakah orang yang bertudung labuh memang akan dipanggil ustazah?" I bet that guy went speechless and he asked something else to drag our attention away. It's not like I mind about what that guy said, but it made me realise there were people who dont accept people like us. They think that women who wear tudung labuh are religious and cannot mingle with society. How lame.
First of all, wearing big hijab does not define our knowledge. Being so-called religious is not for me because my knowledge is not that great and in fact, I feel ashamed because of it. I wear big hijab because I want to make it as a symbol to seek for Allah's love. This hijab means a lot to me. People who claim to be modernized and civilized would never understand. I have dealt with some people who have this hatred towards women who wear big hijab. I read their tweets, their conversation. They were my schoolmates. We had misunderstanding and it led to disputation. That was my darkest times. My very first time dealing with people who had monstrous resentment towards us. It was an awful experience. All those curses and explicit words kept sowing in my head that time. Im someone who is forgiving but I remember every bits and pieces what the other party had done to me. Well Im that kind of person.
There is a wechat group I join. They were my schoolmates ; boys and girls. So I was reading their conversation and they were talking rubbish stuffs. Explicit contain? Yeah a bit. One of them said, "Eh leklok ada Dahlia dalam group ni."."Aku lupa kene tapis dulu". Just what the.. They knew that I dislike when it comes to that kind of matter. They think of me as a religious girl who opposes their so-called entertainment. Oh man, you are scared of me but dont you guys realise Allah watch each of your action? You think He did not read what you write huh? Dont you aware that it is not me who will judge you guys later on. Watch what you write because it will be your stock in hereafter. It makes me agonized a little though.
Yesterday I went to UIA Kuantan attending English classes. We were carpooling with friends of my friend. They were KISAS-ians. I feel so humble frankly speaking. My self-esteem deteriorated. They are great people. Stirrings of jealousy knocking my heart. I applied for KISAS when I was in Form 4. I eagerly want to go there. But Allah knows well. He gave me something else. Alhamdulilah thumma alhamdulilah. In fact, my mom once said after I had sent my application, "Takyah la masuk asrama. Nanti awak masuk mama sorang2 dalam rumah ni." Her sad face really portrayed her inside. Doa ibu kan mustajab, so I didnt get to go to boarding school because Allah knew my mom will be lonely. And alhamdulilah because Allah gave me chance to be good to my mother while she is still here. We will never know what will happen if I went to boarding school. Every cloud has silver lining am I right? He gave me good friends and teachers who always support me. I love them eternally. GC5C always :)
p/s : MASTER YOUR TONGUE, IT REVEALS THE STATE OF YOUR HEART
