Pre-trial

I am too busy right now, but still manage to spend time writing a post. keke

Like seriously, i feel so tired like hell right now. I am sitting for pre-trial examination. Gosh, this examination makes my life went upside down. I feel like my life is no longer well-managed; it has turned to messy one! My room is full of books. Books everywhere; on my bed, on my table even on the floor frantically. Yeah i sleep with books on my bed.. Hahaha -__-" and this examination makes me feel down. Crying because i feel lost, i feel like i dont want to keep this thing anymore, i just want to do nothing. Shedding tears for almost everyday and a huge burden keeps pressing on. It's a big deal for me when it comes to academic. Well im not sure why. Having people's expectation on me is just hard to care about. How i hate examination so much; waking up and feeling down in the morning because you are afraid of people's expectation. People tell me to study, do exercise, ace that test, you can do that,  you can do this, it's  a simple thing to do, get straight A's, dont play any games and etc. Please, i have enough with this rule. Just let me have some space.

Tomorrow is the last day of pre-trial examination. There are 4 papers left, i just dont really know why did teacher crammed up Chemistry, Physics and Biology papers on the same day. Ugh, i could suffer from epilepsy. So in the end, i decided not to read any books for today. For god's sake im totally worn out. My brain doesnt stop working in this fortnight. Im kinda giving up at most of the time. Because i feel like there are a lot of things that i should keep up with and things that i should learn. Well it's my fault for being too reckless for this whole year.

Now SPM is coming less than 4 months from now. Im too scared frankly speaking. Im scared if i didnt achieve my target and worrying about making my mom disappointed. Sigh. I just dont want her to be disappointed :( I want the best for her so i shall work harder. I want to give a present for putting up with me all this time and be there when i need her. I want her to be happy. Please ya Allah, please ease my journey so that i can make my mom happy.

Trial examination is about 29th August i reckon.. Great! My birthday is on the examination period. Why.. :( It doesnt matter anymore, Hari Raya's celebration is no longer important right now. I dont feel like wanting to celebrate it joyfully. Im not going to enjoy Eid this year, trust me..

I had bad news. Government has made me to go to PLKN next year.. It's just unacceptable. I guess i have to prepare mentally and physically next year. Ihfazillah yahfazka. Siapa menjaga Allah, Allah akan menjaga dirinya. It drives me crazy thinking about how am i going to survive and have a life while being in PLKN. I feel worry about my aurah and everything. I just hope Allah will watch me up there and help me. I really need a 'solehah' friend because i feel insecure being in this community. I dont want to go astray. Just no.. 

I want you back

It has been almost a month ago.

Many things happened thoughout that period; disputation, laughing, crying, stressed out.. It's funny though when i recall those memories back. I ditch my friend.. I mean my bestfriend. How i wish i can turn back the time again and fix everything. I just regret it now...

We went to Mega Mall for prefects occasion and that thing happened in a blink of an eye. The day when we had some conflicts and disputed over small things. It was too funny because your bestfriend could be a stranger in front of you right now. After all the time that we've spent together, the memories created and sharing problems, all you can do is pretend that she is a mere friend. No longer a bestfriend of yours. Not anymore.

Both of us are too egoistic. Too dumb to realise that friendship is much more important. I was stupid for letting her go, for not persuading her at the first place. I put my ego too high before our friendship. I made a selfish decision and thinking she should apologise to me.. No, we both are wrong in this matter. We both are flawed and couldnt complete each other because of our egoism. 

Just why? Why i didnt say 'im sorry' that time.. Why did things end up like this? Why at this time? 

I miss her right at this moment. I miss our friendship so damn much that i feel so sad watching us right now. How we make a gap with each other. How clueless we are and how speechless when we are alone. Too awkward to even say hi. I hate when our eyes met. It's like you are telling me how egoistic and selfish i was, and how you despise me that much. Dont look me like you are telling me to go away. Please, i cant bear that.

I just hope that someday God will bridge our ways together and mend this bond. Please... I just miss her. Can we really be bestfriend again?