So now, let me have one or two things that I would like to write and reflect about.
I know as a Muslim we have to obey Allah and our Prophet Muhammad pbuh. And i know that some of us fail to do so. Undeniably, I've been there. I mean, I do think I am still there. This ugly truth is painful much but listen, deep in my heart there's like a jumbled mess, everything is completely wrong, It says that 'I truly want to change myself from bad to good, from good to better, from better to excellent! I think each of us including the astray ones have this piece of thinking in their mind. A slightest will do. I know, there's still light in every heart. Like me, I want to change myself. I cant bear to live a life that will not get me anywhere. Heaven? Far enough. I decide I need to make steps from now or else what am I supposed to reply when Allah asks me what did I do when I was in dunya? Why did I deliberately neglect Islam and His orders? Why did I become a totally useless Muslim?
I am a Muslim but I dont act like one. My outfits are fine, I dont wear skinny jean, neither tight shirts. I wear something loose and quite big hijab but it seems like it doesnt work on me. I mean, when someone wears something like that, people will expect that she is a religious girl, who devoted herself to Allah and Islam. I am feeling shameful for being like this. I waste the time and the bless of being a Muslim. I want to be like people who love Islam and Allah dearly. They can find themselves in Islam so why couldnt I? I got to do something, hidayah would not come by itself if I dont search for it.
I met a lot of people from different places, different times. They are great people, excellent and humbleness conquer their beautiful hearts. They are pretty in their own way. Whenever I lay my eyes on them, I could feel this tingling feeling and a voice whispering 'you are ugly. your attitude is ugly. you are better off with your ugliness.' I feel insecure when I met religious people. They wear 'tudung labuh', they memorise al-Quran, they recite doa and perform solat together. One of them will be imam. Well I am here? Feeling lost and unconscious about my situation. I feel so empty inside and it totally burns my heart well. It's painful but in a good way. It makes me want to be a better person in the future. The rate of heartbeat was elevating and one thing for sure, I want to be someone who is devoted. Every person, whether they are willing to admit it or not, they just want to change themselves and be good to society and God.
