Al-fatihah untuk Adibah Khairy

Harini dapat berita pasal gadis 17 tahun meninggal dunia akibat kemalangan langgar lori. Adibah Khairy. Aku tak kenal siapa dia. Tapi kecoh dekat twitter pasal dia. Then aku scroll la twitter dia. Aku stop.

Aku malu. Aku rasa nak menangis.

Dia muslimah yang berniqah. Baru habis SPM sama macam aku. Aku baca tweet2 dia buat aku sebak. Buat aku rasa malu dgn dia. Baru aku tahu kenapa orang duk kecoh pasal dia. Semua orang tweet pasal dia dan doakan syurga jadi miliknya. Memang dia layak pun untuk didoakan sebegitu. 

Dia muslimah solehah. Semua orang sukakan dia dan tweet2 dia memang membina. Sungguh hati dia cintakan Islam dan Allah sahaja. Semua pasal Allah. Allah. dan Allah. Hebatnya dia kerana begitu bertakwa. Orang cakap dia nak jadi doktor, nak pergi Jordan. Niat dia sama dgn aku cuma aku pilih kos dentistry. 

Memang betul la orang cakap, seseorang yang baik di dunia, orang lain akan kenang dan selalu doakan dia even selepas dah meninggal dunia. Dia buatkan aku nak jadi macam tu. Aku nak jadi orang yang baik. Aku nak jadi solehah. Aku nak jadi seseorang yg selalu ingatkan kematian. Even aku jauh menyimpang tapi aku harap Allah tarik aku balik ke jalan yang benar. Biarlah dosa2 aku yang dulu tu jadi titik hitam bagi aku. Segala perangai aku yang tak elok jadi sempadan buat aku. Jadi pengajaran. Aku nak minta maaf dkt siapa2 aku pernah buat salah.

Allah, aku tahu jalan ni tak mudah. Kau pasti akan sediakan pelbagai ujian untuk aku. Tapi satu shj aku mohon, kurniakan aku ketabahan, bagi aku kecekalan untuk hadapi semua ni, kuatkan jiwa aku dan redhakan hati aku atas segala yang terjadi. Aku takut aku tersungkur kecewa sampai aku aku jauh dari Kau. Jangan bagi aku jadi macam tu. Jaga aku ya Allah.Ampun dosa-dosa aku ya Allah. Sesungguhnya Kau Maha Pengampun lagi Maha Mengasihani. 

Change

I've reverted some posts to draft for a reason. I mean half ot my posts. haha I dont want to read it, I dont want people to read it, I dont want to reminisce the past and I even want to forget it. Turn over a new leaf. Im dead serious.

So now, let me have one or two things that I would like to write and reflect about.

I know as a Muslim we have to obey Allah and our Prophet Muhammad pbuh. And i know that some of us fail to do so. Undeniably, I've been there. I mean, I do think I am still there. This ugly truth is painful much but listen, deep in my heart there's like a jumbled mess, everything is completely wrong, It says that 'I truly want to change myself from bad to good, from good to better, from better to excellent! I think each of us including the astray ones have this piece of thinking in their mind. A slightest will do. I know, there's still light in every heart. Like me, I want to change myself. I cant bear to live a life that will not get me anywhere. Heaven? Far enough. I decide I need to make steps from now or else what am I supposed to reply when Allah asks me what did I do when I was in dunya? Why did I deliberately neglect Islam and His orders? Why did I become a totally useless Muslim?

I am a Muslim but I dont act like one. My outfits are fine, I dont wear skinny jean, neither tight shirts. I wear something loose and quite big hijab but it seems like it doesnt work on me. I mean, when someone wears something like that, people will expect that she is a religious girl, who devoted herself to Allah and Islam. I am feeling shameful for being like this. I waste the time and the bless of being a Muslim. I want to be like people who love Islam and Allah dearly. They can find themselves in Islam so why couldnt I? I got to do something, hidayah would not come by itself if I dont search for it.

I met a lot of people from different places, different times. They are great people, excellent and humbleness conquer their beautiful hearts. They are pretty in their own way. Whenever I lay my eyes on them, I could feel this tingling feeling and a voice whispering 'you are ugly. your attitude is ugly. you are better off with your ugliness.' I feel insecure when I met religious people. They wear 'tudung labuh', they memorise al-Quran, they recite doa and perform solat together. One of them will be imam. Well I am here? Feeling lost and unconscious about my situation. I feel so empty inside and it totally burns my heart well. It's painful but in a good way. It makes me want to be a better person in the future. The rate of heartbeat was elevating and one thing for sure, I want to be someone who is devoted. Every person, whether they are willing to admit it or not, they just want to change themselves and be good to society and God.

Useless

Have you ever felt that you are damn useless and just an annoyance? It's like you are giving something that people dont even care to bother about. You are practically irking and somewhat you think that you are good enough. But contrarily, you are like wasting time and having hopes which can never be defined properly nor even could possibly achieved. Yeah. Wasting time is your major problem whilst others are busy giving their best and be devoted. Allahu. Why me?

I could feel a twinge of regret inside of me. It was crawling and tearing up my heart. ya Allah, it hurts, so much pain that i couldnt bear any longer.

A lot of things happened this past few days. Stress, devastated, cursing, annoying, unrequited love. Too much to handle. God, how stupid. I dont know whether to feel regret or not, as i think this as a thing to remember but at the same time, it's so stupid for causing humiliation to myself. :( M.A.L.U. You are The All Mighty, the one who knows bad and good of me. I give this matter to you because i just can bear it alone. I need You so my heart is in peace.

8A's! :)

My result is just as expected!! Alhamdulilah. All praises to Allah!! I got 8A's and 1B(addmath-_-). But it's so relief upon knowing this. I've never thought that i will get 8a's for my trial because people said trial SPM is quite hard than the real one. Alhamdulilah it turned out good. I know my mom is proud of me when i told her my result. She smiled and that's the happiest thing that i want to see from her. I just want her to feel proud of me, this is a token to her for raising me all this while after ayah died. She is just too amazing for raising 7 children all by herself. Thank you mama for giving me your love. I want to see your smile more and more. Please ya Allah, ease her daily routine and give her strength.

And now, im working out for my Addmath. Im trying everything i could to reach my target. But still im worried. I still feel insecure about my mark. So i want to reach my target of getting paper 1, 60 and above while paper 2 65 and above. Yosh, i can do this!! I really love addmath even though it is my critical subject but i cant hate it. I do enjoy doing Addmath. It's fun believe me :) 

Oh yeah, Im ranked fourth in school ranking. Yeay :) I reached my target which was getting 7A's and above for trial examination. :3 Not to mention, i got no A- this time! All A's and A+'s. Yeay happy me is happy. Physics, Biology and Chemistry are all 80 and above. Thank to god.

I dont want to take things for granted for now. Im gonna pursue my dreams and make my mom cry when the result is out in March 2014. 

Classmates yang giler2. 5 CENDEKIA ROCKS!

Trial has ended

Hey there!

I had finished my SPM trial examination last Tuesday. THANKS TO GOD. I just cant believe that i managed to overcome those 3 weeks. Im living in despair, i guess im too happy that it has ended. But SPM is coming about 47 days more. :( Afterward, no more school. Ouch, that really hurts actually. I dont want to finish my life as a student in high school. 

And good news to me, I got B for my addmath! YEAYYYYYY! I thought that i will get C for addmath but it turned out good. I feel so blessed. Alhamdulilah even though i didnt get A but this really makes me grateful enough. So i need to execute my nazar if god wills it. :)

So for now, i got 4 subject and thank god all A's for now. i really hope i got 8A's excluding addmath. Please ease it ya Allah. I want my Bio to get A. Because Bio is my passion! hehe and also Physics. I do enjoy Physics :D 

So that's all for now. Gonna update it next time. I want 9A's insyaAllah for SPM.

(Inside of me - Ukiss) 

Addmath is killing me.

Dear bloggie, im on my examination weeks. Precisely saying, spm trial examination. I dont really know how to convey this, but i just want to shed tears right now at this moment. Ive been doing bad in this trial examination. Believe me. I just want to cry and hate myself for being so stupid.

Today we sit for Additional Mathematics paper 2. Why did the person who make this questions want to kill us? Why are you torturing us hah?! Im pretty sure the makers are laughing right now for giving us such pathetic questions. It was like, all my blood, tears and sweet are gone with the wind. My effort all this while is completely vanished in a blink of an eye. I know myself, that im pretty bad in Addmath, but i still try my best to not do the mistakes any longer. I spend my time doing exercises, reading that book, this book and drenched myself with sweat and the thinking for the solution. But today, for the first time i really hate Addmath. No, I HATE THE PERSON WHO MAKE THAT QUESTIONS.

ya Allah, im sure You know what is in my heart right now. You know me very well and You know how fragile i could be. This little thing is breaking me apart. I've done my best ya Allah, im leaving this up to You. I want to seek for Your forgiveness of my negligence and my nonchalant act before. You know what i've been through to achieve this and all the obstacles that i managed to come through. I really hope You will help me, ease me, and give me your barakah. Im nothing without You. La haula wala quwwata ila billah, hil azim hil alim. Tawakaltua ala Allah.

I dont want to give up yet. Yes, i know He is watching me up there. ya Allah, if you hear me. know my predicament, please help me to go through this. Be with me throughout the journey.

missing a father.

There was a man, a gentleman who caught a woman's heart. They got married and were blessed with 7 children in total. A huge amount for a mom to handle 7 kids at the same time but yet, they were happy.

I miss my father. Thats all i think right now. This nostalgic memories keep haunting me. Tonight, i just feel that i really miss my father. I MISS HIM VERY MUCH THAT NOTHING CAN DESCRIBE MY FEELING RIGHT NOW. I lost my father when i was in standard 2, particularly when i was 8. He left us on 18th February 2004. I took our family albums and now i realise i miss him so much. Too much that i just want to cry tonight. I want to meet him, i want to hug him and say i love him dearly. I dont want him to leave me again. For a child who was 8 yrs old to lose her father, that was a huge impact in her life.Only 8 years with my father and i cant remember well about him. I still have pieces of memories that i keep in my mind but it was just that incomplete. Please ya Allah, i really miss him. Only You who know my feeling right now, it's all messy, my mind is too blank and i miss him. Thats all...

Watching his pictures making my tears stream down my cheeks. He was too handsome and i know why my mom fell in love with him. With his humble personality and putting his family first, my mom was lucky to be with him. I admit that if he was still alive, i will be her only princess. Im closer with my father than my mom. Our father-daughter relationship surpass anything else. Looking through all the pictures and how short time  was for our bond. But still, im blessed for having bits of memories of him. Alhamdulilah because i got to see my father unlike some people out there who doesnt even met their parents for some reasons.

I want to make my father happy.. And i want to do that by making my mom happy. I want to study harder and get excellent result for my SPM. Pls ya Allah, ease my journey and i want to see my mom telling me that she is proud of me. And deep down, i know if my father was still alive, he will say the same thing to me or maybe more than that. I want to be a good daughter to both of them. I want to make them feel relieved for having a daughter like me. Im lucky to have them even we are not rich, even we live in modesty. That's a true happiness actually.

Help me ya Allah.. Help me doing this for the sake of my family and my parents.

Happy Eid

Hey! Wait it's too cliche. Erm wassup bro? lol whatever.

So Happy Eid to all muslims in this world. Alhamdulilah i was given a chance to meet Ramadhan this year and manage to overcome all the trials given. Thanks to Allah for this strength :) Im not sure what to write here. Oh yeah i actually gained some weights after 5 days of Eid. It's 4 kilos!! 4!! What the heck is that? I nearly reach my target to lose some weight during fasting month and now i have to bear this annoying fat. Gosh. I just cant resist rendang, nasi dagang, nasi minyak and also laksa made by mummy. Mom knows how to make me gain weight actually. :'( I shouldnt eat more than quota. Yup there should be a limit after this!! Yada yada yada!

Remember i once said that i wont enjoy this Eid. Well that's a big fat lie! I do enjoy it since my family is back and i feel so guilty.... Because i left my books. I didnt revise anything or read some books even though i know that trial SPM is coming onwards. Just why?! Gahh i should reflect upon this. You are so stupid :(

RS asked for my phone number from my bestfriend. He actually did. I dont know the reason behind all this but he said im a bit cocky lately. Well i've reasons being like that after what he had done to me. But whatever, he pm-ed me wishing happy eid. Dem, it's too awkward really.
No pictures for eid. Too lazy to put them here. Just stalk my instagram. Kbye.

Pre-trial

I am too busy right now, but still manage to spend time writing a post. keke

Like seriously, i feel so tired like hell right now. I am sitting for pre-trial examination. Gosh, this examination makes my life went upside down. I feel like my life is no longer well-managed; it has turned to messy one! My room is full of books. Books everywhere; on my bed, on my table even on the floor frantically. Yeah i sleep with books on my bed.. Hahaha -__-" and this examination makes me feel down. Crying because i feel lost, i feel like i dont want to keep this thing anymore, i just want to do nothing. Shedding tears for almost everyday and a huge burden keeps pressing on. It's a big deal for me when it comes to academic. Well im not sure why. Having people's expectation on me is just hard to care about. How i hate examination so much; waking up and feeling down in the morning because you are afraid of people's expectation. People tell me to study, do exercise, ace that test, you can do that,  you can do this, it's  a simple thing to do, get straight A's, dont play any games and etc. Please, i have enough with this rule. Just let me have some space.

Tomorrow is the last day of pre-trial examination. There are 4 papers left, i just dont really know why did teacher crammed up Chemistry, Physics and Biology papers on the same day. Ugh, i could suffer from epilepsy. So in the end, i decided not to read any books for today. For god's sake im totally worn out. My brain doesnt stop working in this fortnight. Im kinda giving up at most of the time. Because i feel like there are a lot of things that i should keep up with and things that i should learn. Well it's my fault for being too reckless for this whole year.

Now SPM is coming less than 4 months from now. Im too scared frankly speaking. Im scared if i didnt achieve my target and worrying about making my mom disappointed. Sigh. I just dont want her to be disappointed :( I want the best for her so i shall work harder. I want to give a present for putting up with me all this time and be there when i need her. I want her to be happy. Please ya Allah, please ease my journey so that i can make my mom happy.

Trial examination is about 29th August i reckon.. Great! My birthday is on the examination period. Why.. :( It doesnt matter anymore, Hari Raya's celebration is no longer important right now. I dont feel like wanting to celebrate it joyfully. Im not going to enjoy Eid this year, trust me..

I had bad news. Government has made me to go to PLKN next year.. It's just unacceptable. I guess i have to prepare mentally and physically next year. Ihfazillah yahfazka. Siapa menjaga Allah, Allah akan menjaga dirinya. It drives me crazy thinking about how am i going to survive and have a life while being in PLKN. I feel worry about my aurah and everything. I just hope Allah will watch me up there and help me. I really need a 'solehah' friend because i feel insecure being in this community. I dont want to go astray. Just no.. 

I want you back

It has been almost a month ago.

Many things happened thoughout that period; disputation, laughing, crying, stressed out.. It's funny though when i recall those memories back. I ditch my friend.. I mean my bestfriend. How i wish i can turn back the time again and fix everything. I just regret it now...

We went to Mega Mall for prefects occasion and that thing happened in a blink of an eye. The day when we had some conflicts and disputed over small things. It was too funny because your bestfriend could be a stranger in front of you right now. After all the time that we've spent together, the memories created and sharing problems, all you can do is pretend that she is a mere friend. No longer a bestfriend of yours. Not anymore.

Both of us are too egoistic. Too dumb to realise that friendship is much more important. I was stupid for letting her go, for not persuading her at the first place. I put my ego too high before our friendship. I made a selfish decision and thinking she should apologise to me.. No, we both are wrong in this matter. We both are flawed and couldnt complete each other because of our egoism. 

Just why? Why i didnt say 'im sorry' that time.. Why did things end up like this? Why at this time? 

I miss her right at this moment. I miss our friendship so damn much that i feel so sad watching us right now. How we make a gap with each other. How clueless we are and how speechless when we are alone. Too awkward to even say hi. I hate when our eyes met. It's like you are telling me how egoistic and selfish i was, and how you despise me that much. Dont look me like you are telling me to go away. Please, i cant bear that.

I just hope that someday God will bridge our ways together and mend this bond. Please... I just miss her. Can we really be bestfriend again?

Insecurity

I have this feeling of insecurity whereby i am scared of letting down people that i love. I would say this feeling  makes me trapped in my whole dark world. Im carrying a baggage which is invisible to everyone. No, this baggage cant be shown because people will know how fragile i am which literally can make me feel down. This baggage is full of things that even i cant accept it. One day, this baggage might be opened by someone who is willing to carry the baggage with me and stay with me. Who is willing to accept me regardless bad or good. That's when all the untold secrets seems to be worth-sharing. Till then, my baggage will remains heavy and untouched.

This feeling is killing me slowly, really. This huge burden seems to advance to the state that i cant nearly bear it. This predicament that i hold has put me through a real challenging world. I just want an aid. I want someone to help me, to hold my hand and pull me out of this dark pit. I am that spoiled child who cant be independent. But at the same time, this spoiled child just want someone to accompany her throughout this journey because she is afraid of losing others and seeing them disappear from her sight. That is too cruel.

I always imagine visages of my beloved ones, telling me how disappointed they are because i couldnt do things they want me to. I make them turn their heels away from me and voices of sighing around me. Im scared that one day they are gonna leave me here alone just because im incapable of making them proud of me. I dont want it to happen, or else i cant bear the truth. I guess it happens because i always encounter with some people whom i cant make them smile. I feel like im a loser for making them cry, making them wanting to leave me and avoid me. They walk away from my life with those dull, disappointed faces. Were they insulting me, or just having empathy in myself? Can i really handle this thing alone? Can i grow becoming people that everyone loves? Can i see them smiling and look at me with these 'i-am-very-proud-of-you faces? Can i really do that?

Now, im in state of confusion, not sure of my capability. People tell me to trust myself, but somehow, that doesnt put my head up and what more, my confidence is slowly vanished, like there's a thing who pull it away. Who?

I dont want this questions keep pondering in my mind. Allah knows everything. May this thing get away from me so i can live in tranquility. Allahumma yassir wala tua'ssir.

Semi-hiatus

Within7 hours from now, school's gate will open and that fact is just hard to face. Im not amused about going to school after midterm break. Gahhh. Now im gonna lessen my activities like watching television, reading manga, watching anime and Japanese dramas, slack off and most important, online. Yup, i decided to be semi-hiatus for my twitter and facebook account. And maybe this blog as well. But not for instagram. hehe. I guess i will open them on weekend. Yosh! Dahlia, you can do it! SPM

IM DETERMINED!

“ Aku sanggup menahan letihnya belajar, tapi tidak sanggup menanggung pahitnya kebodohan” 

 Allahumma yusahhil 'alaina.

Clean up

I dont really have any ideas to post something and i just that blank.. grr -.- Today i feel like a miracle. Like there was something miraculous has possessed me because i feel so 'rajin' and i ended up tidying up my house for a whole day! I cant believe it either.

That pleasure of seeing your house looking so tidy and that effort is made from you, yourself who did this- is just beyond expectation! I feel so amazing :3 Yeay me for this. 

Now, my body is aching so much resulting from doing chores just all by myself without any help -.- Well i want to make my mom happy after a whole day trapped in the office. (im a good daughter) hikhik. 

Tomorrow is Thursday and it's a good reward for muslim to fast because of Isra' n Mikraj. So wake up for sahoor shall we? :)

p/s : i want to delete this song from my blog but at the same time i like it. grrr~

"Beauty and A Beat"

Listen to them. Oh I have this girl crush on Crissy. Why so cute?!

Malacca

I went to Malacca last Friday and i fall in love with it. Yeah i love Malacca! Magnificient view, amazing people and lots of shopping complex! Shopping complex is a part of me you can say. I love window shopping and end up feeling frustrated for being broke. Sobs. Sad life.

I went there for engagement reception of my bro and her fiancee! Yeay, new member is coming. So basically all three of my brothers were fully taken, and all left behind are 4 girls including me. hikhik. (gedik) So the reception began at night and i would say, this engagement day is the most 'gempak' one because there are so many people came and it looked like we were going to have 'akad nikah' ceremony. My bro wore baju melayu and we were wearing dresses like bridesmaids. My uncle bought me pink wedges. I dont really know why am i so fond of pink lately. Grr~ We went to Parasmewara. The restaurant serving grilled fishes and lots of seafood. It was romantic because the restaurant is just beside the sea. Oh please :3 So sweet meh. I love the food! You guys must go there!! Before that we visited Zoo Melaka. I admit this is my first time of going to zoo. I didnt really enjoy it because i couldnt touch the animals especially Kwang Soo (giraffe)

 So pictures :

Big family! The other half were outside.

p/s : This holiday was spent wastefully. /facepalm/ Ugh whyyyy

I did bad on my mid-term examination

I told about mid-year examination, and guess who did bad on this examination?/facepalm/ Yeah me.... Sobss. It just a disaster. Totally horrible. I just messed up everything and i knew i can do nothing about it because what is done cant be undone.

Just accept it. This is so sad :(

Being a form 5 student isnt easy. Ill tell you. It's completely different with your life when you were in lower form. Upper form is a whole different story that really gives you pain. So much. It is just totally different. mountain of homework, notes that need to be copied, a bundle of past examination papers and a flicker of disappointment clumped in you. You need to take that risk for failing everything and get over it. It's not about how fast you get there, but it's regarding how do you rise again.What it takes to dispel the grief and also the action of not falling apart and giving up. NO. You cannot give up yet because it is just a beginning of your journey. There is still long way to go to achieve your dream. Obstacles, happiness, disappointment and despair are part and parcel of life. It's up to you whether to allow these to get you ruptured or vice versa.

I easily get tired nowadays. I guess my genetic chromosomes have got to do with this. lol haha. My sister is an anaemic people. So im quite scared if i suffered from anaemia because it cant be cured. Anaemia is a deficiency in the number or quality of red blood cells. resulting in pallor, shortness of breath, and lack of energy. That explains a lot why does my sister looks so pale. All she does is, eat supplement containing zinc, calcium and etc.

For now, i want to forget about my examination or the upcoming result next week. I need to accept the reality even though at its worse state. I dont mind if teachers go mad at me for performing bad and dont ace this examination. I dont really care anymore because it's my fault at first. My fault for being nonchalant and all relax. I admit it. So for now im thinking a way to get rid of my ultimate bad habit, and that is PROCRASTINATE. Procrastination is such a blissful thing to do yet gives you big impact for doing it. T_T And i cant seem to learn from the experience./Sigh/ So for now, i make a list things-to-do. Lets see whether im capable of finishing the task. -_- adios~

p/s : Happy Teacher's Day to everyone, specifically teachers at school. :) We had so much fun last Thursday, 16th May 2013. Will update about it soon.

I cant sleep.

Sooooooooo it's 2.30 am now. I cant sleep. I drank coffee about 3 hours ago and now here i am. Im being a nocturnal species. Somehow, i feel old whenever i drink coffee. I feel like an oldie. Ugh weird much? Sokay, i will assume coffee as an epitome of maturity and intelligence, and now i feel so intelligent. -.- Hahaha is this a joke? Me, a mature woman? NO WAY. I dont think that i am mature enough to be labelled as matured woman. Yucks. Being a happy kid is just awesome! I know, i act like a kid and i love the way it is. I guess very close friends of mine will know how immature i am. And they still stick with you even though you expose the real you. :) That's a definition for true friend.

Looks like im going to stay up this night. Mid year exam is throwing a tantrum. T_T Burn the midnight oil. Dahlia, you can do it dear. I know you can!! Coaxing myself as no one is here to coax me./le cries/

"Happiness is a cup of coffee and a really good book"

But, what is a good book?? Is it a true happiness when you are reading textbooks instead of good books? Fine, textbooks are good books. Yeah yeah, ok ill accept the reality even it is too cruel for me. I want my life back!! SPM is killing me. Really.

Oh yeah, tomorrow, there will be a bunch of students from Shah Pekan coming to BRASS. Looks like i wont be meeting them.  Pray for me. Mid-year exam please be good. /smile jovially/ I wont be going to school tomorrow! /throws confetti/ How can a sick person go to school? Hehe.

I like staying up late at night. Well you know, you can do something alone like worshipping Allah? Take your sajadah and perform prayers. It is a good timing because you are just by yourself. No one can disturb you. It just you and Him connecting with each other. What is more blissful than confessing all your problems towards The Only One, The Most Merciful? All you receive is an abundance of equanimity. So, why dont you vivify yourself on 4 am and take your abulation? Just 2 rakaat will do. As long as you keep doing it(istiqamah).

Sick.

Hey peeps.
 So i dont feel well recently. I had a fever. Cough, runny nose,sorethroat and headache. Oh whyyyyy/cries/.. Today is Monday, thank god because i can rest as my school is on holiday for a day. It's okay,  a day is enough for a sick people like me to rest. Heww.

And i went to school at 2pm for extra class. Like seriously, my body was too hot and i was like crawling just to go to the class. Sobs. A scorching hot day and high body temperature, NOT A GOOD COMBINATION. I pray hard not to fell down on the street. Haha imagining myself, faint on the streets. LOL too awkward to be true. OMG i dont even want to visualize the scene!

I should be at school yesterday for Hari Anugerah Kecemerlangan. But i was at KL that day. 2 days at KL was enough. No, i dislike KL. Too many cars and buildings. I dislike this ambience. I went there for my cousing's wedding! Abang Hanif is happily married to Suraya hotfm. Wow, you ace it bro! :) I will update about the wedding next time. Gonna spam my blog with pictures /smirks/. Im too busy because mid-year exam is coming. Im not well-prepared! Gahh how T__T Stress out. Can i cry?

Dont hurt her.

It's funny how people blame us for everything when it is clearly portrayed that they are at the wrong side. It is just too funny and unacceptable. I know. I get this feeling where you just want to strangle that particular person and slap them as many as you can. Hahaha. That feeling is heaven

Ultimately that is not going to happen.You eagerly want to do but you know you are boundeid by something and it will never happen. T__T Ohh why... This is unfair. Heww

Oh yeah, why am i saying this all the sudden? Actually why some people decided to rebel others? Wait no, not being rebellious. But i guess, they are stubborn. Yeah! Im sorry to people out there. But please dont be too selfish. You are just thinking about yourself and claim others to be cruel on you. Ugh please!

Please, dont make my bestfriend in anguish. I love her. Whenever she is sad, i just like, oh why ya Allah, why i cant fix her problems? Why? I dont want her to be sad. It just hurts a lot and I cant bear to see her stressing out. It is like, you are not a good friend, you cant solve her problems, you just sit there and watch her in agony. It's like you are no use. You are just a trouble. You are nothing but a friend who is incapable solving her problems. :(

What i want to do now is, just pray. Pray to Allah to ease her days and give her some happiness. Even though i cant give that to her. I hope You does my Lord.

To that particular person, please realise your mistakes and do some reflection upon your attitude. If you dont, im sorry if one day i go berserk and just say something that will break our bond. And i hope that thing would not happen. ya Allah, increase my patience and make me a good khalifah. Control your feeling. Please.

Bye.

p/s : oh yeah good luck to debaters. Representative of BRASS. Good luck to you :) I miss Jojo.

Mental-breakdown

I noticed that my posts are all dramatic, sad and full of agony. hahaha

Whatever. So basically i am busy- i mean TOO BUSY recently. I do need to juggle things and have my schedule well-organized. Duhh. :/

I could be having a mental breakdown at the moment. How can my brain manage to study all the time. Wooo, no way! I aint doing that to my brain. Im afraid my hipotalamus and serebrum will explode! Bam! haha

In the morning, it was fine to go to school. Then rushing my life off to go to SEMSAS for tuitions funded by Yayasan Pahang for 2 hours! At night extra classes at school for another 2 hours!! Those would make about 11 hours of studying? No!! I dislike it a lot. Im incapable doing things simultaneously. I will just mess things up and end up feeling tired. I could suffer from fatigue and in the end getting crazy. Lol hyperbole here we go again. -__-

Bye. I dont know what to say anymore. Because i just had enough already. Huwaaa T__T

Dissapointed.

This. I think it is true. Well im in a phase whereby i hate people around me. I hate the ambience here. I just hate everything. Excluding my best friends i would say. Why am i being like this all the sudden? Hmm.. actually. Oh god whyy..

I feel like giving up now. Im out and down at this moment. It just, people will always want to bring you down even though you are just nobody to them. Why with all this jealousy and hatred? Why cant society being fair to others... Just leave me alone with my world.

I hate it when it comes to something that people unsatisfy about me and they decided to ostracize me and just badmouth me. Darn it, if u have anything you want to say, just please confront me. Stop being sissy!
Why, im wondering why did He put me in that school? Why i didnt get into KISAS? Why do i have to stay here with this miserable things that keep happening? That thoughts of mine is harassing me. Allahu, this sucks. Really sucks.

I know life is hard and will hit you real hard right on your faces just to assure that you are being aware that it is not easy.

I think im not a good muslim. I cant even bring my friends to get closer to Islam. I just let them do something contrast with what Islam has taught. Im such a failure. I was quite dissapointed with certain people who said they wouldnt be someone they dont want to be. But that promise is just mere bullshit. This is ludicrous. Yet they still do things that they claims wouldnt do ever.. Why?

You jerk.

I cant breath properly.

'Aku sesak hati tengok tempat ni. Aku nak keluar dari sini'

That statement is pondering in my mind now. I was feeling hopeless. Feeling like this place is too cruel for me till i barely can breath properly. Like this place suffocates me and I need, i need an inhaler for an asthmatic patient. This sucks. Damn sucks. I hate this. The predicaments that i go through all this while were pressing me. Too much things that fly into my mind. Too much responsibilities that i need to bear. Come to think of it, this year is quite despressing. Wait no no. I mean my teenager's life is quite despressing. Well it is undeniable when people say that being a teenager is a hard task to do especially when it comes to choosing your friends. 

This cruelty is going overboard somehow. People just love to judge you. They just talk ill about you and for them, it is fun to make someone's life in hell. Curse that type of person. Curse them.

I have found quite people whose attitudes are damn annoying, being judgemental and sooooo boring. They are no fun. Really. What about being judgemental? Yes and yes, i cant deny it that each of us can be judgemental without noticing it. People judge me. People look me like i was a trash. That time was quite hard  for me. I cried. Getting angry. And getting depressed. But one thing that i hate about myself. I dont show my emotions to other. I dont show to people that i have problems and seeking for attention. No. IM NOT LIKE THAT TYPE OF TYPICAL GIRLS OUT THERE. So i learn that people who write "Menangis dalam bilik semalam :') ", "Mata lebam sebab menangis", "Kau tak tahu aku menangis semalam sebab kau!" Can someone please clear things out about this? Why would you post that kind of things on your social website? Attention seekers? Want people to console you? This is bullshit. Dont go and showing off your problems. Your problems were all smaller compared than others and yet you want the world to know it. Damn irritating.

People just think that i was being happy and always make jokes. But hey, i do have problems. But i thought that my problems should be kept just to myself. So im not an attention seekers. Those attention seekers should dig their graves and bury themselves. Too much complaints and too much bimbo. While im here just be happy and put my problems aside when im around people. I dont think there is a need to let people know my problems and want them to coax me. There are too much things that i need to solve rather than being weak and cry till i have panda's eyes. People dont know the reason why am i being like this. Cold-hearted and dont care about others' bussineses. Because i have seen too much. Too much tragedy that keeps haunting me till now.

*Seriously, i am annoyed with certain people in my class. U really want to kick them right to their faces so they learn how to be nice and smile. And just stop 'hushhh'-ing me!!!

Should be an ignorant but..

Have u ever felt that you dont belong here? You dont belong anywehere? It's like people just dislike you and loathe you. Just because. Maybe because you look desperate much? Or you look socially awkward. And you are just being uncordial to everyone. Well im lacking of things like warmth and friendliness i guess. Sigh. Actually i was not a girl like now. I still remember when i was the old me. Im happy and just happy. Thats all. Im still happy now but the thing was not the same anymore. It was different. DIFFERENT.

I think that i take people's feeling too serious. It is damn hard to care others' feeling when your heart is hurt. You are in agony, in anguish. Severely in pain. omg too much hyperbole here. whatever.
So back to the topic. Actually things happen for reasons and those things shape me for who i am today. So if you see that i become a cold-hearted person now, yes a tragedy keeps haunting me. Duhh. That tragedy was a disaster for me. A misery i should say. So i do agree when people say that im snobbish. cocky or just a plain girl who deserves a slap on her face. LOL hypebole once again. Whut? haha

So apparently, i feel like gving up and feel like wanting to be an ignorant. You know, be selfish. Sometimes i feel that if we keep caring others' bussiness in their life, we are deserved to get slapped. Right on both cheeks. Lol. i realised that i used 'slap' quite many today. Oh yeah, i feel like slapping people now. Feel like kicking people and punch them right on their face. Oh my god, i feel so satistfied. If only i can do that i feel much relieved mehhh.

Dont judge.

I had a terrible week. There something has happened.

Actually i had PMS and thats the main reason why im acting all emotional and feeling like people are being cruel to me. So theres a girl in my class who till now i dont talk to her. No, it's quite awkward. AWKWARD MUCH. 

Teacher asked why do you think amalina che bakri is not a good example, so i said that she is not wearing hijab and in terms of religion she dont fulfil her right as a muslim woman. But some people mistook my answer as i was being judgemental to her. So heres a girl, a beloved student who she think she is right. She assumed me telling that girls who dont wear hijab are bad and we can judge them. She said that, we cant judge people,she is just being herself and people look up her as an idol so of course even a slightest mistake she commits will be judged for sure. 

So i know this girl saying that to me. Dude, im not judging amalina. I have never said that amalina is a bad girl because she is now wearing hijab. No. I know someday maybe she will change and maybe better than all of us here. I have my own thoughts for someone who doesnt wear hijab, i do think they have right to live and they could change for the better in the future.  who might knows? Or maybe someday im still here but amalina is trying to be better person. So im not judging her. Even people who are not wearing hijab or maybe sexy enough have their rights. No even they are like that, im not avoiding them. Im not tellling that they should not be friend of people like us. I would love to make friends with everyone. So please, get your facts straight. You said that we cant be judgemental, but look at you, judging us without knowing us real deep before assuming that we are extremists. No! Damn you.

And teacher, why should hijab being blamed. Hate the sin not the sinner. You both claimed that we cant judge others but what are you doing judging people who wear big hijab like us! "Ustaz pun ada yang berkhalwat." "Budak tudung labuh pun pregnant". So lets say here, maybe that ustaz is being fitnah. Maybe that girl who wear big hijab was raped before. Think before you say that.

Happy New Year.

Hey there, Happy New Year to all of us! 2013 is coming and of course im aware that ill be sitting for SPM. So my new year's resolution, of course im no going to write it here. Im a shy person. lol /fliphijab/

2/1/2013, the school started and that day i guess i dont have any mood to be happy. I was looking forward to see my friends but it turned out to be you-happy-but-you-are-so-awkward-with-your-classmates situation. Well i have told about a fight before the holiday. We had some misunderstand communication with each other? wait, i unpublished the post. too dangerous. lol. So we met each other that day, omg i didnt smile or even glance to them. It was too awkward. I really cant face them. After what has happened i find that i couldnt be like i used to be before. We were happy and became friends. In a split second, everything is vanished. Destroyed. So i avoid completely from having eye contact with them. I keep doing my work. I determined to be ignorant in front of them. Of course because people will never be satisfied and always look you as an annoying flea. I do want to be like the old us. But they seems like dont want to talk to me. Especially her. I love being friend with her. She moved to our school last year. I really want to cry. T_T lol emo much. I want to say hi to her, but im afraid she will think bad about me. You know like 'this girl is so annoying'. It's hard to start the conversation not even say hi.

Maybe i should start smile to them tomorrow.
Oh yeah, i love my juniors! They wear big hijab(tudung labuh). Aww~ they are so sweet! I saw about 5 or more girls who wear big hijab. omg i love them instantaneously! ok Bye, tons of homeworks is waiting.