Al-fatihah untuk Adibah Khairy

Harini dapat berita pasal gadis 17 tahun meninggal dunia akibat kemalangan langgar lori. Adibah Khairy. Aku tak kenal siapa dia. Tapi kecoh dekat twitter pasal dia. Then aku scroll la twitter dia. Aku stop.

Aku malu. Aku rasa nak menangis.

Dia muslimah yang berniqah. Baru habis SPM sama macam aku. Aku baca tweet2 dia buat aku sebak. Buat aku rasa malu dgn dia. Baru aku tahu kenapa orang duk kecoh pasal dia. Semua orang tweet pasal dia dan doakan syurga jadi miliknya. Memang dia layak pun untuk didoakan sebegitu. 

Dia muslimah solehah. Semua orang sukakan dia dan tweet2 dia memang membina. Sungguh hati dia cintakan Islam dan Allah sahaja. Semua pasal Allah. Allah. dan Allah. Hebatnya dia kerana begitu bertakwa. Orang cakap dia nak jadi doktor, nak pergi Jordan. Niat dia sama dgn aku cuma aku pilih kos dentistry. 

Memang betul la orang cakap, seseorang yang baik di dunia, orang lain akan kenang dan selalu doakan dia even selepas dah meninggal dunia. Dia buatkan aku nak jadi macam tu. Aku nak jadi orang yang baik. Aku nak jadi solehah. Aku nak jadi seseorang yg selalu ingatkan kematian. Even aku jauh menyimpang tapi aku harap Allah tarik aku balik ke jalan yang benar. Biarlah dosa2 aku yang dulu tu jadi titik hitam bagi aku. Segala perangai aku yang tak elok jadi sempadan buat aku. Jadi pengajaran. Aku nak minta maaf dkt siapa2 aku pernah buat salah.

Allah, aku tahu jalan ni tak mudah. Kau pasti akan sediakan pelbagai ujian untuk aku. Tapi satu shj aku mohon, kurniakan aku ketabahan, bagi aku kecekalan untuk hadapi semua ni, kuatkan jiwa aku dan redhakan hati aku atas segala yang terjadi. Aku takut aku tersungkur kecewa sampai aku aku jauh dari Kau. Jangan bagi aku jadi macam tu. Jaga aku ya Allah.Ampun dosa-dosa aku ya Allah. Sesungguhnya Kau Maha Pengampun lagi Maha Mengasihani. 

Change

I've reverted some posts to draft for a reason. I mean half ot my posts. haha I dont want to read it, I dont want people to read it, I dont want to reminisce the past and I even want to forget it. Turn over a new leaf. Im dead serious.

So now, let me have one or two things that I would like to write and reflect about.

I know as a Muslim we have to obey Allah and our Prophet Muhammad pbuh. And i know that some of us fail to do so. Undeniably, I've been there. I mean, I do think I am still there. This ugly truth is painful much but listen, deep in my heart there's like a jumbled mess, everything is completely wrong, It says that 'I truly want to change myself from bad to good, from good to better, from better to excellent! I think each of us including the astray ones have this piece of thinking in their mind. A slightest will do. I know, there's still light in every heart. Like me, I want to change myself. I cant bear to live a life that will not get me anywhere. Heaven? Far enough. I decide I need to make steps from now or else what am I supposed to reply when Allah asks me what did I do when I was in dunya? Why did I deliberately neglect Islam and His orders? Why did I become a totally useless Muslim?

I am a Muslim but I dont act like one. My outfits are fine, I dont wear skinny jean, neither tight shirts. I wear something loose and quite big hijab but it seems like it doesnt work on me. I mean, when someone wears something like that, people will expect that she is a religious girl, who devoted herself to Allah and Islam. I am feeling shameful for being like this. I waste the time and the bless of being a Muslim. I want to be like people who love Islam and Allah dearly. They can find themselves in Islam so why couldnt I? I got to do something, hidayah would not come by itself if I dont search for it.

I met a lot of people from different places, different times. They are great people, excellent and humbleness conquer their beautiful hearts. They are pretty in their own way. Whenever I lay my eyes on them, I could feel this tingling feeling and a voice whispering 'you are ugly. your attitude is ugly. you are better off with your ugliness.' I feel insecure when I met religious people. They wear 'tudung labuh', they memorise al-Quran, they recite doa and perform solat together. One of them will be imam. Well I am here? Feeling lost and unconscious about my situation. I feel so empty inside and it totally burns my heart well. It's painful but in a good way. It makes me want to be a better person in the future. The rate of heartbeat was elevating and one thing for sure, I want to be someone who is devoted. Every person, whether they are willing to admit it or not, they just want to change themselves and be good to society and God.