Entering new sem in CFS

I would like to rant, I mean rant really hard. It's going to be a long post. Well not so long but whatever just bear with it k people.

So my sem break is coming to an end. It took me a week to get hold of what would I be facing after it is over. I almost lose my sense can you believe it? hahaha 

I went out with mama buying things I would need for my upcoming sem. Did I mention that I lost my super precious watch before? Yes I did T_T I regret it sooo much for not taking care of it before. Well human, they would just appreciate that thing after they lost it. I bought it when I was in Form 1 or Form 2 with my own money(duit raya). The price was around rm170 something maybe? Swatch has never failed to amaze me with their variety of designs. So colourful yet so childish. hehe 

Yeah thats my school!! I miss youuuuu

I love it how BRASS has so many trees planted inside and outside of the school.

The main gate of BRASS.

This is my new watch. So pinky right~ But pink is not my fav color.

Someone suggested me to buy these books so yeah I did!

A luggage filled with tudung, jubah and much more. Yeah it looks like it's going to burst. luls

I decided to leave some tudung behind or else my luggage will be so heavy to carry. huh.

Maigodddd. People,look what I have found! My biology notes!!

A dentist is still considered as a doctor kan? haha

That was the quote that motivate me throughout my journey in highschool. Thanks Inche Gabbana. And that memo, Im not sure who wrote that. How sweet kan? :)

Gigih tau aku buat nota Bio sendiri dulu. Im impressed w myself!

Did I ever tell you that I learned Physics, Maths, Addmath ... I mean each subject in Malay? hahahah it was too funny when I read back my old notes. Maigosh like seriously I learnt them in Malay? What is 5 Alam? hahaha I still remember in Biology there was this thing called jasad golgi but in English it is Golgi apparatus. K people dont laugh! hahaha

In CFS, I learnt about comparative religion. One of the reason why you should study in IIUM. They teach so many things about things you dont really know.

It's International Islamic University people so of course the syllabus will be in English. Hang bayangkan hang belajar sophisticated words yang level tahap dewa tu dan articles yang panjang berderet which require you people to read gazillion times in order to really comprehend their contents :')

Nice handwriting I know.

I went to school before and teachers gave us this, school magazine. Aww~ Our name were there. Aiyemperaud!!

Spicy food and Qaisara had her first haircut!

I really love spicy food! Any food that has chillies got me drooling so much. We are from Pantai Timur which actually define us why we love sambal so much. Be it sambal belacan, sambal kicap, budu or even sambal tempoyak. My stomach grows twice its normal size when sambal is served. I really love when your mouth keeps on doing 'hisss' sound and you drink plenty of water to get rid of that prickling sensation but you are too obstinate to surrender which keeps you wanting more and more chillies. Ahh, visualizing them in front of me really make me go crazy -..-

My friends are always amused when I eat chillies during my meals. Yes cili hidup tu. So I always end up being stared at while I chew my food. Hahaha. Their expressions are way too priceless as if I was eating something poisonous. I got this habit of eating spicy food from my sister. I used to get scared of chillies and wondering on how she can eat them, but now the situation is on me. Maybe that is how my friends feel ay? So whenever I cook, I will always find chillies to put into it. Mama scolded me when I do not remove the chili seeds. She told us that we might get appendices because of those seeds. Ok got it mom.

Two days ago, I was freaking hungry at 1 am so I decided to eat and habiskan lauk-pauk. My 2 years old niece woke up and she came out from the room. She sat on the chair talking things that I didnt understand, wanting to eat biscuits and bread. Then I washed the dishes and came back to see her which made me shocked on how she tore the bread and make the mess out of it. But she was lovely when I said, "kakak what have you done?", she replied me with that innocent face and pointed at the bread saying "roti roti". Aww, I just couldnt scold her because she is just too innocent, and too small to understand anything.

                                                       

She had her hair cut yesterday and she cried so much because of it. Hahaha I miss your long hair Qaisara. Her long hair really resembled Sadako(Japanese ghost) because her bang was long, hiding her eyes. Besides, she forbid anyone to touch her hair or even tie it.

You could see how happy she was when my brother brought the tricycle. Now, she always asked me to push it, "tulak tulak". How adorable la kakak ni. Acu loves you kakak Qaisara :)

Date with Mama

I went out with mama yesterday. It started off when I randomnly said, "Ma, jom keluar pergi ECM. Or makan kula cakes ke". Mama just chuckled and smiled. I said it without any seriousness actually. Then after we had our lunch she went to her room screaming, "Tolong gosok baju mama!". So I stood there with this puzzled face, "Mama nak pergi mana?". "Eh kata nak pergi ECM, jadi ke tak nih?". I was like eeehh, you take my words for real? Ok ok hold on let me dress up! And off we went. Mama did not drive frequently as she used to after she has retired and my siblings will take turn to get her anywhere she wants to and drive the car. All of my siblings are capable of driving but mama still woulnt allow me to drive alone and she just only let me drive when my sisters are there or when I wanted to go back to CFS(jalan Gambang straight je pun dan tak busy). Sigh. But still she promised me to give Axia after my 2nd years in degree in IIUM Kuantan. Yeay! *throws confetti

The road wasnt busy and congested because people were working, I loveeeee how you can go out to town and people are working. Yeah yeah do your job people, give me freedom to go for shopping and park the car anywhere I wanted to!

So we easily parked our car. I was quite nervous actually since mama dah tak secekap dulu. Moreover, two ladies going out with manual car and one of them didnt know how to drive it while the other get panicked quickly if something bad were to happen. I just prayed hard that nothing deleterious could happen along the journey hehe sorry ma, it's not that I dont trust you but we should be careful and worried sometimes.

We wandered off and I bought new Sony earphone that was ridiculously expensive! Gosh my own money has gone just like that ... But still I regret that I chose blue one, I should have taken the red earphone or the pink one. Ahhh I still couldnt get over the red colour! This dark blue is so boyish and not elegant. It is no use to cry over spilt milk ay? Redha jela If it not because the price, I will buy two but ahh Im broke already. I also bought something for him. Hoho wait for my suprise! Tunggu nak balut je hadiah tu and then pergilah dekat tuan hang yang sebenarnya. I hope he likes it.

On our way back, we bought kula cakes mango cheesecake and we gave one to my brother. Talking about my brother, Qaisara threw a tantrum. My SIL gave me this Farm Fresh yoghurt drink and she cried because she thought that I take her belonging away. Haha aiyoo~ Kids are so adorable and weird too. How could you do this to me Qaisara T_T Do you hate your Acu sobs sobs.

So to be concluded, once in awhile you should spend your time with your family and have conversations with them. You might not know that, your time is precious to them and all they need is someone who can break the loneliness that confine them. Dont you think so?

Adele's new song is quite good for me. Too deep and too much emotions that I couldnt bear to listen too many times.

3 months free from university life!

Hai peeps.

Im having my 3 months sem break now. It had been 3 weeks after the exam has finished and I heard somewhere telling me that the results will be out 30th October. Ahh, let's cross fingers for that day as I have done my very best on it. Did I mention that my CGPA fell quite a point for my two previous semesters? Only God know how anxious I was and feeling hopeless during that time. But in the end, all my efforts, blood and sweat are done only for Him. I am nothing without His mercy and all I want to is to rely on Him solely.

I have some issues for now. It seems like I couldnt express my feeling through words as easy as I did before. You know the time where I used to blog about everything including my feelings, my daily routines and much more. Now, I couldnt even think of anything, It was like I lost my sense of blogging and those ideas just flew away from my mind. Haa~ My life is getting tedious and I couldnt do anything about it *pout. I really want to do something extraordinary and frolicking you know, like going off to camping, doing bungee jump, doing some charity, visiting the old folks' home and orphanage but all of my friends are busy with their studies now. Well, IIUM is not an usual university -,- They give us holiday when other universities just start their classes. Adoi, perks of being a student of IIUM right? Koff koff

I have been living a life of unhealthy one. Waking up and eat and watch the television shows and laptop and sleep some more and eat again and sleep late at night. OMG. Im going to be fat and a freaking lazy person. For God's sake, wake up Dahlia! You could have done more if you get rid of that laziness and get some work to do. Ayoyo~

So it looks like these 3 weeks are enough for me to do whatever I wanted and slacked off. I think I should start doing something beneficial. Wow I have knocked some sense into my head now, insaf bro insaf haha

First, should we start the day early in the morning and no more sleep after Subuh...? Yes I certainly  can do that! During my last sem, I seldomnly slept after Subuh, instead I went to bathroom and groom myself clean. But, it was quite different during my study weeks hahaha. After Subuh, I just flopped on my chair and start studying. Hehh, so ulat buku. Sometimes I got sleepy and if that happen, walking around the mahallah was a solution for me. Climbing up the stairs and breathing some fresh air were good enough to eradicate the sleepiness and activate your brain. Sometimes it works sometimes ah ah no((sleepy head yeah)

I told my roommate that I will do some workout during my holiday and guess what, it never ever happen, for now. I lied to her and to myself too hahaha aiyaa what should I do to this girl ha. So lazy like a sloth. Hence, I will try myself to go for jogging everyday and eliminate these 5 kg fats from my body hoyeahhh! *spirited. I learn to cook with mama and I guess it starts really well eventhough I do not master everything yet. Haa, I hate onions so much that I always shed my tears for them. You jerk T^T

Apart from that, I should read some books. Like seriously I should have done that before! *roll the eyes. I am just thinking that my English skill is too sloppy and my BM is getting weirder than ever. Rojak, sambal hitam, asam jawa semua aku bahan tahu. Im sorry to Cikgu Puzi, my BM teacher. Your student is too dumb now huk huk :S

Bye for now. I wanted to write some more but it is already 1.42 am I should sleep.

Random #2

Random #1

I love you ayah.

These two amazing people. That I really want to hug now. My ayah that has left us when I was in standard two and my mama who is still taking care of me until now. 

Mama told me that ayah was a shy guy. Very down to earth person. That was the reason how mama terpikat dengan ayah kot? haha My first abang resembles ayah so much in terms of attitude and behaviour, a shy guy, romantic and love to make jokes.

What I could say, I am more to ayah's side when he was around or to be clear I am daddy's daughter. My mom was quite strict before, so when I get scolded, I will run to ayah telling everything. Ayah will give me everything in spite of restriction from mama. Like how I cried so much wanting the barbie doll from mama, but ayah will get it for me eventually.

Ayah will take me to his office after my tadika session. Masa tu mana ada lagi khidmat nanny ni. So he will let me play in his office, exploring every single things in his cubicle(sampai magnet fridge office pun aku bawak balik rumah), messing up his place (aku sepahkan ubat stapler dengan clip papers kot!). Sometimes, he left me in the office cafe, and ordered everything I want to eat so that I could wait for him after he had finished his works.

It was during fajr when ayah left us. Kakak woke me telling to get prepared for school and she said ayah was sick. What she meant by sick was, ayah was dying. It was time for him to bid us a temporary farewell, ucap 2 kalimah syahadah. Ayah suffered from heart disease tbh. I was sad but a 8-year-old girl? What do you expect from her? My sorrow went away just like that because I hate that hurtful feeling which I ended up forgetting everything painful to avoid crying. Budak kan, senang nak lupa benda yang sedih..

Both my ayah and mama really complete my life. But now, some part of me is missing. Am missing my father and my mother terribly. Tipula kalau aku cakap aku langsung tak cemburu dgn kawan2 yang masih ada ayah. Kawan-kawan yang mana ayah dorang datang sekolah ambil report cards, attend their graduation ceremony, witnessing their kids manage to excel in their studies. How I wish both my ayah and mama came together witnessing their own daughter grab those Anugerah Cemerlang. How I wish I could hug both them on the stage. How I wish both of them say how proud they are to have me as their daughter. How I wish both of them can send me into university to show that they educate their daughter very well. How I wish..

Even so, those were what my mom has done by now. Alone. 

I owe her too much that I could not leave her behind. I dont have any intention to leave her. Not even once. I just want to stay by her side until our last breaths. Yeah, I am a spoiled daughter to be exact. I really want to take care of my mom right now. Give her money to go shopping. Give her plane ticket to perform haji and umrah together. Provide her a maid so that she can has enough rest. Give her big house and new car. Take her to anywhere she want to go. I want to do that ya Allah. Please allow me to bring her to Holy Land, Mekkah and Madinah. 

My mom is really a supermom because she raised her 7 children all by herself after ayah has left us. All the tears that I caused her are parts of my regrets. I have made her cry too often, worrying me always and scolding me too much until she went silent. Allah, please forgive my wrongdoings towards her.

Once, I missed him too much which brought me to sleep deprivation. I coudnt even sleep that night, crying and reminiscing memories with him. Those memories paraded in mind too often, maybe Allah wants to tell me something? Who knows. I aint a good daughter in my family, or should I say a black sheep of the family? But for once, I really want to hug both of my ayah and mama. I want to show off to other friends how happy I am with them, telling others that my father is a fine man who always love his children. I just want to have a frame of our complete family in front of me. To be frank, whenever I saw my friends who hang their family portraits in their locker, I feel like my chest is being hammered countless times. I want one too.. but it could never be. IMPOSSIBLE.

But I know, the memories with my father and family when I was a kid will be kept closely in my heart. I wanna seal them tightly.

Did I ever say, I dislike people recognise me as an orphan? When my teacher ask who is the orphan in our class, I will just ignore the question. I didnt raise my hand because it was hurtful to accept the fact that I am the orphan. I want to remain silent until I could let it go. Until I realise... yeah.. So I am reluctant to answer when people ask me ayah kerja apa, mak kerja apa. I dont want to seek for empathy after they realise that my ayah has passed away. I despise that feeling..

There was a dialog I remebered between ayah and I.

Ayah : Nak jadi apa besar nanti?
Me : Doktor la, senang nak rawat ayah.
Ayah : *Nod *Senyum

This was when ayah get admitted to Hospital Terengganu. Nurses did not allow me to come in because I was still under age that time, but my Poksu insisted on taking me in to visit my ill father. So yeah, he did (secara senyap2 ok). It was truly heartbreaking to see your loved one on the hospital bed, with those wires creeping on his arms.

When ayah was discharged out of the hospital, kakak warned me to not make surprises to ayah or make him shocked. We try as much as possible to  keep the ambience in silence. Yeah, we dont want him to get heart attack. Sampai macam tu sekali kitorang pikir sebab taknak kehilangan dia yet. There was time when he slept, I walked pass him by tiptoeing. Im scared to lose him. But when Allah say, it will happen, it will eventually. Kun fayakun.

Today is the 18th February. Cukup 11 tahun.

To my dear ayah, insya-Allah I will take care of mama just like how she care for me throughout my whole life. I will treat her nicely like how you treat her. I will endure everything for the sake of mama. I will recite Yassin for you every Jumaat, I will pray for you in my du'a. I will make mama proud of me, to be grateful for having both of us in her life. Please wait for me ayah. Allah je yang tahu how I miss you terribly, how jealous I am when everyone can hug their dad and boasting about being their dad's daughters and sons. But I am still your favourite daddy's girl.

Sincerely, your missing daughter.

Hati kene sado

Seperti previous post aku berkenaan hati, aku masih mengalami masalah hati sekarang. Hati aku ni dah cancer tahap 2. Masih belum kronik. Aku harap la...

Hati ini ada keinginan kan. Semua manusia ada fitrah masing-masing. Fitrah untuk mencintai dan dicintai. Ingin rasa disayangi.. CLICHE. Aku ingatkan hati aku ini tough nan sado gitu, tapi akhirnya benteng aku dah retak, menunggu masa je untuk roboh. Tak, aku tak mahu benteng aku bina selama ini roboh macam tu. Aku belum bersedia untuk dirobohkan, belum bersedia untuk bagi keizinan anasir luar untuk masuk. Aku berusaha untuk baiki balik semua retak yang ada. Aku berusaha untuk touch up balik benteng aku. Aku berusaha untuk simenkan balik lubang-lubang yang ada. Tapi semakin aku simen, semakin banyak bocor. Serius aku nak menangis.

Allah, aku rasa berdosa sebab aku leka sehingga benteng aku semakin retak. Aku lalai dalam memperkukuhkan lagi benteng tu. Aku gagal dalam memproses hati yang sado.

Aku sentap sangat dengan beberapa post di facebook dan whatsapp. Seolah-olah Allah tahu apa yang aku perlukan sekarang. Setiap kali aku berdoa supaya dijauhkan dari hati yg lagha, ditetapkan hati dalam agama. Setiap kali itu juga la aku mendapat jawapan melalui kawan-kawan dan post sentap yang memang aku sendiri berada dalam situasi itu. And for that, terima kasih ya Allah kerana masih kurniakan aku cahaya dan guidance untuk aku. 

Mungkin payah untuk aku simenkan balik tapi, everything is possible with His will. insya-Allah. Mungkin aku akan banyak tersungkur dalam proses membaiki benteng aku, mungkin aku akan selalu menangis sendirian, mungkin aku juga terikut-ikut dengan nafsu tapi aku tawakkal je dekat Allah. Aku just minta Allah tolong aku dalam soal hati sebab, hati ni kan Allah yang pegang. Dialah yang membolak-balikkan hati ini. 

Aku nak serahkan hati aku kepada Pencipta, bukannya kepada ciptaan-Nya. Biarlah aku kenal Pencipta aku dulu. Aku nak kenal ajal dulu. Ajal lagi dekat daripada jodoh kau tahu? Aku boleh mati bila-bila masa saja tanpa kenal jodoh aku. Aku hanya nak khusyuk dalam mencari Allah..

ya Allah, aku mohon jauhkan aku dari perasaan yang asing dalam diri, Jauhkan aku daripada sesuatu yg boleh melalaikan aku dari mengingati Kau. Teguhkan iman aku, kuatkan benteng aku. Jika aku sudah bersedia, hadirkan dia pada masa yang sesuai. Semoga Allah jaga aku.

Kuat dahlia kuat! Lawan setan sekali dgn kroni2 nafsu tu. Masih banyak lagi kau harus perbaiki. 

Heart and Love

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim,

It has been awhile doesnt it? How I miss my long posts that I used to write. But it totally contradicts now, as my mind dont really have nothing particular to say. To be exact, my fingers dont want to tap the keyboards as frequent as they used to. Grr..

Basically, I am at my home now, away from CFS for awhile. How distracting to be there actually as all my problems are from there which I extremely dont want to face them.

HEART AND LOVE.

These two things are tangled to each other. When someone in love, their hearts beat faster than usual. So fast that they feel a terrible press on their heart, aching for it. It's funny how these two plunged you into a massive discomfit. You feel anxious, you feel flustered, you feel unsettle and you feel happy on the other side. It makes you yearn for it more and more but the side effect for it is, you suffer.

How cunning ay?

I myself feel so awkward when it comes to love. Yeah, I never had a boyfriend before. During my school time, it was quite hard to find your ideal man there. As if the boys were below your criteia haha. Actually, it was my fault to begin with because I think study is much more important than having partner during school. Im not even interested yet. Nevertheless, I do have someone that I adore which I really had hard time to open up for someone. It was quite a period for me to have feeling for him until one day I realised he already has someone he likes. How ironic..

Let me say, I am one of the people yang susah sangat nak cintakan orang. I got trillion crush-es out there but a people that I really love? It's very hard to find one. Aku pun tak tahu hati aku ni nak apa. Why it's so hard for me to fall in love. Nope, my heart is not that keras nak mati takde perasaan tu. Im not that type of people yet. But I assure you guys, once I have my eyes on that particular person, it's not easy to move on. I am a loyal person to be honest. Even to my friends, my loyalty will not fade away.

Im just hoping that someday, someone will walk into my life and stay. Stay and accept me as who I am but even so, he will guide me to the right path and lead me into a life full of blessings. I need someone who understands me, who can endure the obstinate me. But most of all, I just want to ask Allah to give the best for me because Allah is All Knower.

# why did I wrote this? my heart is being stubborn now. Why does it have to be conquered by this stupid feeling.

Tonsillitis

It was somewhat a period for me not updating this blog. Im sorry something-you-dont-know, I have left you unoccupied. Alhamdulilah, things are getting better day by day. I went back to UIA Gambang 2 weeks ago and continuing my life as a student of CFS here.

Im suffering from tonsillitis today. It feels like stone got stuck in my throat. It super duper hard to swallow even the plain water. I need your du'as so that I recover completely. Allah Allah. Kifarah dosa... 

Need to stop here because this gastric thing is killing me horribly

P/S : WANNA GO HOME...