I love you ayah.

These two amazing people. That I really want to hug now. My ayah that has left us when I was in standard two and my mama who is still taking care of me until now. 

Mama told me that ayah was a shy guy. Very down to earth person. That was the reason how mama terpikat dengan ayah kot? haha My first abang resembles ayah so much in terms of attitude and behaviour, a shy guy, romantic and love to make jokes.

What I could say, I am more to ayah's side when he was around or to be clear I am daddy's daughter. My mom was quite strict before, so when I get scolded, I will run to ayah telling everything. Ayah will give me everything in spite of restriction from mama. Like how I cried so much wanting the barbie doll from mama, but ayah will get it for me eventually.

Ayah will take me to his office after my tadika session. Masa tu mana ada lagi khidmat nanny ni. So he will let me play in his office, exploring every single things in his cubicle(sampai magnet fridge office pun aku bawak balik rumah), messing up his place (aku sepahkan ubat stapler dengan clip papers kot!). Sometimes, he left me in the office cafe, and ordered everything I want to eat so that I could wait for him after he had finished his works.

It was during fajr when ayah left us. Kakak woke me telling to get prepared for school and she said ayah was sick. What she meant by sick was, ayah was dying. It was time for him to bid us a temporary farewell, ucap 2 kalimah syahadah. Ayah suffered from heart disease tbh. I was sad but a 8-year-old girl? What do you expect from her? My sorrow went away just like that because I hate that hurtful feeling which I ended up forgetting everything painful to avoid crying. Budak kan, senang nak lupa benda yang sedih..

Both my ayah and mama really complete my life. But now, some part of me is missing. Am missing my father and my mother terribly. Tipula kalau aku cakap aku langsung tak cemburu dgn kawan2 yang masih ada ayah. Kawan-kawan yang mana ayah dorang datang sekolah ambil report cards, attend their graduation ceremony, witnessing their kids manage to excel in their studies. How I wish both my ayah and mama came together witnessing their own daughter grab those Anugerah Cemerlang. How I wish I could hug both them on the stage. How I wish both of them say how proud they are to have me as their daughter. How I wish both of them can send me into university to show that they educate their daughter very well. How I wish..

Even so, those were what my mom has done by now. Alone. 

I owe her too much that I could not leave her behind. I dont have any intention to leave her. Not even once. I just want to stay by her side until our last breaths. Yeah, I am a spoiled daughter to be exact. I really want to take care of my mom right now. Give her money to go shopping. Give her plane ticket to perform haji and umrah together. Provide her a maid so that she can has enough rest. Give her big house and new car. Take her to anywhere she want to go. I want to do that ya Allah. Please allow me to bring her to Holy Land, Mekkah and Madinah. 

My mom is really a supermom because she raised her 7 children all by herself after ayah has left us. All the tears that I caused her are parts of my regrets. I have made her cry too often, worrying me always and scolding me too much until she went silent. Allah, please forgive my wrongdoings towards her.

Once, I missed him too much which brought me to sleep deprivation. I coudnt even sleep that night, crying and reminiscing memories with him. Those memories paraded in mind too often, maybe Allah wants to tell me something? Who knows. I aint a good daughter in my family, or should I say a black sheep of the family? But for once, I really want to hug both of my ayah and mama. I want to show off to other friends how happy I am with them, telling others that my father is a fine man who always love his children. I just want to have a frame of our complete family in front of me. To be frank, whenever I saw my friends who hang their family portraits in their locker, I feel like my chest is being hammered countless times. I want one too.. but it could never be. IMPOSSIBLE.

But I know, the memories with my father and family when I was a kid will be kept closely in my heart. I wanna seal them tightly.

Did I ever say, I dislike people recognise me as an orphan? When my teacher ask who is the orphan in our class, I will just ignore the question. I didnt raise my hand because it was hurtful to accept the fact that I am the orphan. I want to remain silent until I could let it go. Until I realise... yeah.. So I am reluctant to answer when people ask me ayah kerja apa, mak kerja apa. I dont want to seek for empathy after they realise that my ayah has passed away. I despise that feeling..

There was a dialog I remebered between ayah and I.

Ayah : Nak jadi apa besar nanti?
Me : Doktor la, senang nak rawat ayah.
Ayah : *Nod *Senyum

This was when ayah get admitted to Hospital Terengganu. Nurses did not allow me to come in because I was still under age that time, but my Poksu insisted on taking me in to visit my ill father. So yeah, he did (secara senyap2 ok). It was truly heartbreaking to see your loved one on the hospital bed, with those wires creeping on his arms.

When ayah was discharged out of the hospital, kakak warned me to not make surprises to ayah or make him shocked. We try as much as possible to  keep the ambience in silence. Yeah, we dont want him to get heart attack. Sampai macam tu sekali kitorang pikir sebab taknak kehilangan dia yet. There was time when he slept, I walked pass him by tiptoeing. Im scared to lose him. But when Allah say, it will happen, it will eventually. Kun fayakun.

Today is the 18th February. Cukup 11 tahun.

To my dear ayah, insya-Allah I will take care of mama just like how she care for me throughout my whole life. I will treat her nicely like how you treat her. I will endure everything for the sake of mama. I will recite Yassin for you every Jumaat, I will pray for you in my du'a. I will make mama proud of me, to be grateful for having both of us in her life. Please wait for me ayah. Allah je yang tahu how I miss you terribly, how jealous I am when everyone can hug their dad and boasting about being their dad's daughters and sons. But I am still your favourite daddy's girl.

Sincerely, your missing daughter.

Hati kene sado

Seperti previous post aku berkenaan hati, aku masih mengalami masalah hati sekarang. Hati aku ni dah cancer tahap 2. Masih belum kronik. Aku harap la...

Hati ini ada keinginan kan. Semua manusia ada fitrah masing-masing. Fitrah untuk mencintai dan dicintai. Ingin rasa disayangi.. CLICHE. Aku ingatkan hati aku ini tough nan sado gitu, tapi akhirnya benteng aku dah retak, menunggu masa je untuk roboh. Tak, aku tak mahu benteng aku bina selama ini roboh macam tu. Aku belum bersedia untuk dirobohkan, belum bersedia untuk bagi keizinan anasir luar untuk masuk. Aku berusaha untuk baiki balik semua retak yang ada. Aku berusaha untuk touch up balik benteng aku. Aku berusaha untuk simenkan balik lubang-lubang yang ada. Tapi semakin aku simen, semakin banyak bocor. Serius aku nak menangis.

Allah, aku rasa berdosa sebab aku leka sehingga benteng aku semakin retak. Aku lalai dalam memperkukuhkan lagi benteng tu. Aku gagal dalam memproses hati yang sado.

Aku sentap sangat dengan beberapa post di facebook dan whatsapp. Seolah-olah Allah tahu apa yang aku perlukan sekarang. Setiap kali aku berdoa supaya dijauhkan dari hati yg lagha, ditetapkan hati dalam agama. Setiap kali itu juga la aku mendapat jawapan melalui kawan-kawan dan post sentap yang memang aku sendiri berada dalam situasi itu. And for that, terima kasih ya Allah kerana masih kurniakan aku cahaya dan guidance untuk aku. 

Mungkin payah untuk aku simenkan balik tapi, everything is possible with His will. insya-Allah. Mungkin aku akan banyak tersungkur dalam proses membaiki benteng aku, mungkin aku akan selalu menangis sendirian, mungkin aku juga terikut-ikut dengan nafsu tapi aku tawakkal je dekat Allah. Aku just minta Allah tolong aku dalam soal hati sebab, hati ni kan Allah yang pegang. Dialah yang membolak-balikkan hati ini. 

Aku nak serahkan hati aku kepada Pencipta, bukannya kepada ciptaan-Nya. Biarlah aku kenal Pencipta aku dulu. Aku nak kenal ajal dulu. Ajal lagi dekat daripada jodoh kau tahu? Aku boleh mati bila-bila masa saja tanpa kenal jodoh aku. Aku hanya nak khusyuk dalam mencari Allah..

ya Allah, aku mohon jauhkan aku dari perasaan yang asing dalam diri, Jauhkan aku daripada sesuatu yg boleh melalaikan aku dari mengingati Kau. Teguhkan iman aku, kuatkan benteng aku. Jika aku sudah bersedia, hadirkan dia pada masa yang sesuai. Semoga Allah jaga aku.

Kuat dahlia kuat! Lawan setan sekali dgn kroni2 nafsu tu. Masih banyak lagi kau harus perbaiki. 

Heart and Love

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim,

It has been awhile doesnt it? How I miss my long posts that I used to write. But it totally contradicts now, as my mind dont really have nothing particular to say. To be exact, my fingers dont want to tap the keyboards as frequent as they used to. Grr..

Basically, I am at my home now, away from CFS for awhile. How distracting to be there actually as all my problems are from there which I extremely dont want to face them.

HEART AND LOVE.

These two things are tangled to each other. When someone in love, their hearts beat faster than usual. So fast that they feel a terrible press on their heart, aching for it. It's funny how these two plunged you into a massive discomfit. You feel anxious, you feel flustered, you feel unsettle and you feel happy on the other side. It makes you yearn for it more and more but the side effect for it is, you suffer.

How cunning ay?

I myself feel so awkward when it comes to love. Yeah, I never had a boyfriend before. During my school time, it was quite hard to find your ideal man there. As if the boys were below your criteia haha. Actually, it was my fault to begin with because I think study is much more important than having partner during school. Im not even interested yet. Nevertheless, I do have someone that I adore which I really had hard time to open up for someone. It was quite a period for me to have feeling for him until one day I realised he already has someone he likes. How ironic..

Let me say, I am one of the people yang susah sangat nak cintakan orang. I got trillion crush-es out there but a people that I really love? It's very hard to find one. Aku pun tak tahu hati aku ni nak apa. Why it's so hard for me to fall in love. Nope, my heart is not that keras nak mati takde perasaan tu. Im not that type of people yet. But I assure you guys, once I have my eyes on that particular person, it's not easy to move on. I am a loyal person to be honest. Even to my friends, my loyalty will not fade away.

Im just hoping that someday, someone will walk into my life and stay. Stay and accept me as who I am but even so, he will guide me to the right path and lead me into a life full of blessings. I need someone who understands me, who can endure the obstinate me. But most of all, I just want to ask Allah to give the best for me because Allah is All Knower.

# why did I wrote this? my heart is being stubborn now. Why does it have to be conquered by this stupid feeling.