Neglected

Have you ever felt so sad that you barely could sobbing over it? It's like the pain is too tremendous till your heart gives a last signal that it can no longer contain the feeling after a few times being treated unfairly. So how? What can you really do now exactly?

Being neglected is one hard thing to face. Because you think you are strong but it still beats the emotion. You are fragile and easily breakable now. I hate being neglected. I feel that I am not appreciated. I am not good enough. Still not good enough. What can I do for you to notice me? Do you ever know that it breaks me inside when you ignore me? You will never know that because you are busy with something else. I want you to know that I despise your 'something else'.

Is it really hard to reply when I had conversation with you? Do you know how does it feel when people dont respond when you ask them question? I feel pathetic. Or am I really pathetic to have those conversations with you? Your action gives a big impact to my life. I dont want to take these matters seriously at first but in the end I lost. It escalates faster than I thought.

But still, Im feeling amazing after all. Im getting used for everything. I dont really care anymore. This pain keeps hitting me and I feel heartless. Do whatever you want. Even if I cry, you will never notice and you will never get the root of it. I will cry multiple times but things will never change and that is okay.This is what should be done anyway. No smooth sea makes a great sailor. Im getting stronger anyway. At least that is what I should think for now.

This pain is too great to be tested.
All you can do is to move on and forget those feelings.
Even it's hard.
I can do this. Yes I will.

My mom is my superwoman

I miss school so much. SMK Bukit Rangin Kuantan Pahang. My second school, when I was in form 1. I was from Terengganu back then, and my mother decided to go back in Kuantan again after 9 years I guess, That time I was truly mad and went berserk. I did not want to move from my school, leaving my friends and my beloved hometown. But I guess I was destined to be here actually. Everything happen for a reason and there's hikmah behind all of these.

It was about 4 months after I moved that I managed to get along with people here, to be synchronized with the ambience. Wait was it 4 months? Im not sure myself but it took quite time. I hate people in here to be honest. They were totally snob, I really cant get along with them. The teachers were fierce and a lot of bad things kept happening to me when I was first transferred into that school. During those period, I've made my mom worried and felt sad. Yeah, I made her sad. Ya Allah, I really regret it. I just hate myself for making her cried.

I threw tantrums for almost everyday. I didnt go to school and cried every morning when I had to go to school. There was a time I skipped school for 4 days in a row. I said that I was sick to my teacher and friends but actually I did nothing at home. My mom nearly wanted to change my school to SMKSI but I refused for some reasons. I begged her to admit me into this boarding school at Terengganu. I nearly can change, but there was some technical problem due to whatever Im not sure of it. I heard my mom cried. I do feel guilty but well, my stubborness surpassed everything. She grieved and was totally disappointed in me. My siblings gave me advices, scolded me and even motivated me to move forward and stop this bad behaviour. But I was too obstinate and self-willed that time.

But everything has hikmah. I met my best friends who change my life towards better. I met Aqilah, then Aqila and lastly Umi. Umi was same with me, she's from Kelantan but transferred here 2 months after me. Alhamdulilah for everything that You've done to me ya Allah. You know what is best for me. I truly grateful for that, and now I want to do what a daughter should do. I want to make my mom happy. I really regret for making her sad. I cant no longer bear to see her crying because of me. I just want the tears that spill out of her eyes are meant for happy moments only. Those tears should be cherished not the other way around.

Allah, help me. Forgive her sins, keep her in Your rahmah, give her constant health and ease her businesses. Please give her happiness. I want to see her happy, please give me chance doing so during her lifetime ya Allah. I know Im not a good daughter but I want to be one for her. Give patience to me and keep me away from making her sad again. Protect her from hellfire ya Allah. Amin ya rabbal alamin. I really love my mom even after all predicaments that I've caused, she's still love me unconditionally. Ampunkan dosa aku ya Allah, sesungguhnya Kau Maha Pengampun.

Now Im thinking what should I do in order to make my mom happy?

I've jotted down some few things that I should do during my holiday here. Do the chores. Yup, chores. At the same time, I can practise doing something that I rarely do before. Like cooking and more. Let's see what are on the list : Mop and vacuum the floor, clean the dust, clean the bathroom and refrigerator, wash the clothes, fold them and put in the closet, learn to cook, wash the dishes, make bed and others!

Dont sleep after Subuh Dahlia! Ingat : YOU SNOOZE,YOU LOSE

Driving class went well alhamdulilah. I think because I wore different shoes that time that I managed to do great! And Pakcik Rashid said I've improved a bit! Yeayy :D Alright, thats all. My little Qaisara Raihanah dont want to sleep yet. It's almost 1 AM now. Sokay, keep blabbering things I dont understand Qaisara. Maksu love you. hehe

I really miss 90s songs.

Kelas memandu sesi pertama

Entahla.

Dua tiga hari ni rasa gelisah. Tak senang duduk. Nak menangis je rasa. Hmm, Allah tarik nikmat ketenteraman jiwa aku sekarang ni. Mungkin ada hikmah yang tak diketahui tapi sungguh aku rasa sebak sekarang.

Aku kekurangan tidur hari ini. Bangun awal tujuan nak pergi kelas memandu, alih-alih tukar jadual ke petang pula. So aku go on jela, tapi yela dapat mesej tu elok-elok lepas aku habis sarapan dan nak pakai stoking. Frust jugak tapi ada hikmah, takdela aku kuak lentang atas katil pepagi camtu. :) (Kuatkan azam untuk tidak tidur lepas subuh)

Petang kemudian ada kelas memandu. Sesi pertama. Ya Allah, teruk sangat hari ini. Aku boleh katakan hancur pembelajaran memandu aku ni. Terdetik dalam hati, aku ni memang dilahirkan tak pandai memandu kot? Tapi Dia Maha Mengetahui Segala-galanya. Dia tahu apa yang terbuku dalam hati. Dia tahu kegelisahan yang menyeksa jiwa aku ini. Dia, Tuhanku, Allah SWT.

Aku mohon ya Allah supaya dipermudahkan pembelajaran aku. Supaya aku tak kalut apabila kaki mula menekan pedal minyak, klac dan brek tu. Aku tak pasti apa akan jadi esok hari, yup esok ada lagi kelas. Mungkin cikgu memandu aku dah fed up kot nak ajar aku yang tak reti-reti nak lepas klac slow2. Enjin kereta selalu mati time naik bukit. Tangan pun dah mengigil sejuk takut jadi apa2, takut kene marah.

Please my readers yang aku tak pasti wujud ke tidak sebenarnya, doakan aku dipermudahkan urusan. Semoga sesi kedua, ketiga dan seterusnya tak lagi kalut, aku harap steady je bawak kereta Viva tu. Amin.

Allergies

Selamat pagi cinta. Eh.

Jam menunjukkan pukul 1.05 pagi. Alhamdulilah kerana masih bernafas saat ini. Semalam baru pulang dari Kuala Lumpur, 3 hari jugak la jalan-jalan dekat sana. Well it is not so-called vacation, it was a visit. Yep, melawat abang-abang dan kakak-kakakku tersayang and at the same time pergi gedung kain Jakel dekat Shah Alam. Cari kain untuk abang punya wedding bulan 3 nanti. Im not sure if I will be able to attend the wedding reception, PLKN dude, I got PLKN. Not sure to be happy or sad. 90% frustrated of course. Im not excited at all. Blergh. Nanti sunburn.... Dahla kulit ni tak berapa nak cerah, sekali kene pergi PLKN, apakah semua ini! Memang hitam mcm belakang kuali la kot bila dah balik dari PLKN. Orang yang sudah berkahwin tak perlu masuk PLKN, ermm so anyone who wants to marry me at the moment? Just for 3 months. LOL HAHA jkjk

I will say, 3 days at Shah Alam was totally a disaster! I had allergies. My whole body was swelling and became red. It's so itchy and a little bit discomfort. I just wanted to cry because it was my very first time having allergies. I dont recall eating anything peculiar. That morning I ate nasi lemak kerang, I had lunch of ikan patin masak tempoyak, budu, ikan keli, abc, ulam-ulaman and that evening, chicken and cheese paratha of hot n roll. I could not sleep well at night because of this allergies, poor my mom because she couldnt sleep after I woke her up at 3am crying and wanting to go to clinic. I love you mummy.

The next morning, my brother took me to the clinic at Shah Alam. I was inoculated. Nak menangis kot sebab first time sedut gas and kene cucuk at the same time. I ate the medicine and fell asleep afterward. Alhamdulilah the allergies have gone for quite a moment. Not until this morning. :| And I have to eat porridge now. Just porridge :'( No fried chicken, no fried egg, omelette.. Sekarang ni aku rasa apa dirasai oleh perempuan yang kene berpantang lepas bersalin. Memang susah sebab just makan nasi kosong dengan sup sayur. Kesian right.

ubat ni mengantuk

So, becoming an engineer is really not my path. Takleh dekat dengan debu, bulu-bulu kucing(i love kucing tp nak buat mcm mana T_T). Please do pray for me. Nak ambil medic or dentistry. Insya-Allah :)

Maulud Nabi & birthday Umi

 12 Rabiulawal Tahun Gajah, lahirnya seorang pemimpin agung yang amat dicintai oleh seluruh ummat Islam di dunia tidak kira zaman. Muhammad Bin Abdullah nama diberi, namun penduduk Mekah senang memanggilnya dengan gelaran al-Amin kerana sifatnya yang suka bercakap benar. Berkahwin dgn Saidatina Siti Khadijah binti Khuwailid seorang saudagar yg kaya raya namun terpesona dengan kemuliaan akhlak Rasulullah SAW. Sifatnya yang jujur dalam berniaga, amanah dalam menunaikan tanggungjawab diberi dan tutur bicaranya yang lemah lembut membuatkan Siti Khadijah jatuh cinta dengannya. Sungguh aku tak nafikan, seluruh manusia juga akan terpesona dengan peribadinya yang luhur. Ya Rabb, mana mungkin orang bisa membencinya jika mereka kenal siapa itu rasulku. Malah, orang Barat pun tidak menafikan bahawa nabi Muhammad SAW itu merupakan pemimpin teragung di dunia. Kegigihan yang dipamerkan membuatkan orang menghormatinya, kebijaksanaannya menyebarkan agama Islam memyebabkan Islam menguasai 2/3 dunia pada masa dahulu. Sungguh hebat Muhammadku. Ya, Muhammad itu rasulku. Rasul yang disayangi oleh semua ummat Islam. Allahu.

14/1 juga merupakan hari yang istimewa buat kawan baik, Umi Munirah Binti Mohd Syukri, selamat hari lahir sayang! Semoga dipanjangkan umur dan diberi keberkatan dalam hidup. Semoga awak berada dalam lindungan Allah selalu. Insya-Allah. Nanti hadiah saya bagi time result SPM ok? hehe Disebabkan awak sekarang dah jadi budak universiti nun dekat Perak. Fuyoo kawan aku dah masuk Uni >_< Tak sangka kot. 

Baru je habis borak dalam telefon. Yela free call sempena birthday. Lebih kurang 1 jam 40 minit duration call tu, Rindu sangat. Ni baru 3 hari masuk UTP, macam mana pulak hari2 akan mendatang yer. Dia cakap pasal kehidupan di sana, alhamdulilah ramai yang peramah dan budaya Islam tu ditekankan juga dalam kehidupan sebagai pelajar di sana. Syukur, jaga diri, jaga iman dan jaga Islam tak kira di mana jua insyaAllah. Dia cakap, rakan-rakan dkt sana panggil dia Munirah, kitorang kat sini dah selesa dengan panggilan Umi. Dia happy la kot sebab beberapa kali dah dia suruh panggil dia Munirah tp dah terbiasa dgn Umi nak buat cemana. huhu.

Harini terbaca satu link dari facebook pasal dua orang adik-beradik yang menjadi johan pertandingan hafazan al-Quran peringkat negeri. MasyaAllah terdetik rasa cemburu dalam hati. Untungnya Allah pilih mereka untuk menjadi hafiz dan hafizah. Dada yang penuh dengan ayat-ayat suci al-Quran. Allahu Akbar. Kan bagus kalau seluruh ummat Islam macam ni. *tunduk So, saya berazam nak hafal surah2 lazim tu. 

Sebut pasal hafal surah ni, teringat pulak masa form 1,2,3 ada kelas Tilawah al-Quran. Kene hafal lebih kurg 7, 8 surah gitula. Surah yang agak panjang. Yela kitorang ni bukannya sekolah agama, cuma ambil subjek lebih untuk PMR, iaitu Bahasa Arab. Surah yang first sekali saya hafal ialah surah As-Sajadah. Sejak dari tu, tu la surah feveret saya sebab saya rasa bangga dan happy sangat2 dapat hafal ayat-ayat cinta Allah. Mula-mula rasa mustahil sebab surah tu agak panjang bagi saya, tapi berkat usaha selalu tasmi' dengan ustazah dan kawan2 alhamdulilah berjaya. Sampai sekarang kalau surah As-Sajadah berkumandang di corong radio, konfem ikut sekali. Cuma semakin hari semakin tersekat2. So I want to, am going to spend my holiday wisely insyaAllah :)

Minggu lepas pergi sekolah, saja duk lawat2 cikgu dan juniors. Sebak. Rasa nak menangis. Rindu sangat dekat sekolah. Kalau boleh undurkan masa, memang saya akan enjoy puas2 kehidupan pelajar sekolah. Menjadi seorang exco pengawas, uruskan kegiatan dekat sekolah, tolong-tolong cikgu.. Tu kenangan yang memang tak dapat dilupakan. 

Paling best sekali time dalam kelas. Belajar bersama-sama dan buat bising dalam kelas hehe sampai cikgu pun naik pening tengok perangai kitorang yang especially kaum hawa yang mendominasi 3/4 kelas tu. Kesian kan 7 orang kaum adam yang senyap macam tunggul tu. hehe Kitorang pun dengan seronoknya buli dorang. haha Tapi semua tu dah jadi kenangan. So saya nak simpan baik-baik kenangan ni. Semat dalam hati muka-muka classmates yang tercinta ni :)

 p/s : selawat ke atas nabi digalakkan tapi jangan la selawat masa maulud je lepastu entah ke mana. Ayuh amalkan di mana jua tak kira masa. Sekali kita selawat atas junjungan besar Nabi Muhammad, 10 kali Allah balas selawat kepada kita. 

All the best to Umi and Nasha

Today I received a message from Kak Raby.

"Hubungan kamu dgn sahabat kamu adalah tanggungjawab kamu dgn Allah. Kamu tidak mengharapkan balasan daripada sahabat kamu atas kebaikan yang dilakukan tetapi kamu mengharapkan balasan Allah atas kebaikan tersebut. Hubungan sahabat terhadap kamu pula itu adalah tanggungjawab dia kepada Allah."

She really knows what Im facing right now. Yesterday I got a shocking news.  A very great friend of mine Umi Munirah received an offer to further her studies in Universiti Teknologi Petronas(UTP) for Geoscience course. Alhamdulilah for her and congratulation dear. After all the interview things, you finally got what you want. You really deserve it :)

But this news really gives me a feeling that I dont want this thing to happen. I do feel glad for her but there is a dark side of me whispering that if only she didnt apply for UTP, if only she didnt get that offer this, she would stay with us. Stay here with me. But she get the offer, and will accept it.

 I must accept this fact even though I feel completely miserable, like something massive was pressing my chest over and over again. I want the best for her, maybe this is the thing that was destined for her. "Wamakaru wamakarallah wallahu khairul makirin". We plan, and Allah also plans. But Allah is the greatest planner.  Maybe there's a hikmah that we dont know, but He is The All Knowing and knows the best of all.

So she will be leaving for UTP on January 11th. Precisely saying, next week! Perlu ke cepat sgt? Aduh. Please take care of yourself, dont forget your Islamic identity, find good friends (Jangan kwn dgn nasha tau hehe :p)  and if you are sad or need some support, give me a call. I will be there insyaAllah. And lastly, I love you my bestfriend! Dont forget me here! >_<

And also, congratulation to the craziest person I've ever met! Nasha Adlina, take care and insyaAllah He will take care of you. Allah will not forget us despite everything so jaga diri, jaga Al-Quran and please jangan jadi gila lagi boleh tak?! Haha Aduh, kau juga pernah cakap yang kau nak ikut aku pergi Jordan jadi osteologist haha tetiba ambik geoscience apa kes. :( edited : orthopedic and osteologist, whats the difference? haha

All the best to both of you!

Happy New Year 2014

Happy New Year. 2014 is officially here. Alhamdulilah for everything that You've done for me ya Allah. Thank you for giving me chance to live and all the nikmah you grant me. It's too much from what I did to You, and Im such a bad muslim. Forgive me ya Allah for every sins that I've committed. Yet You still give me  the blessing. You are The Almighty and The Gracious One.

2013 had been a great year for me indeed. I learn something from it. My class, 5 Cendekia full of weird kids haha. #GC5C will remain in my heart. They are indeed weird but hey they are my friends. My friends whom I can express my stupid actions, misbehaviour and show my true self to them. They dont even mind it and in fact, they are way weirder than me! LOL They are gedik, they are full of themselves, they love to eat in the class, they always make stupid jokes, they always make others feel annoying including myself haha But that were the things that make up whole class. Without them, I'll be a good girl for sure. LOL haha

We are truly childish, dont call us 17-year-old teenagers because we are obviously dont act like one! We pull everyone tudung in the class, pulling their skirts, pinching their ears and cheeks. Everyday, almost everyday we did these kind of things. And teachers are too tired to handle all of us. We are known as kelas budak yang paling kuat makan. Slamber aje makan depan cikgu, siap jemput cikgu jamu selera lagi. I love GC5C. I should update about it in new post. There are too many things that I want to write about them. Hehe

So my beloved country celebrated New Year with unproductive events. From what I was informed, there were 4 concerts held night before 1st January. This is truly a disappointment to me. Why it has to be concert? Full of maksiat and sins. This is not an Islamic country suppose to do. This is so wrong. But well, look at those so-called wise politicians. Im not happy i would say. PRU14, the youth will make wise choice insyaAllah. Im gonna cast my vote to the right people who should rule the country with the right power.

And in contrast, there were some people who celebrate new year with the right way alhamdulilah. While Im here, updating blog. This is my way of celebrating it, hehe *throws confetti 

So my new year resolution huh? Im not sure and I dont even think about it yet. Look how productive I am right :p hehe But lets go through quickly and ponder about it.

1) Khatam al-Quran as many as I can, above 10 times will satisfy me a lot.
2)Memorize some duas and surah. InsyaAllah
3)Read books as many as possible, English novels are mostly welcomed.
4) Puasa sunat on Monday and Thursday. Do it every week if possible.
5)Learn how to cook. Pls, this is important for your survival and also marriage :P Hehe
6)Obey mom's words without complaining. I know it's hard but insyaAllah, He will help me.
7)Wake up early and do not sleep afterward! Solat Dhuha everyday.
8)Stop something. Well, I dont want to mention it.
9)Join usrah
10)Be more positive and high spirit! Dont be shy.

I do think there's more but nevermind. These will do. I will list it down later on. Oh yeah, I went to supermarket and had my sight on these cute note books! I just cant resist note books, and I've collection of them. But of course, I didnt buy it because Im no longer a high school student. This fact is depressing enough. -_- Im spending my holiday now and will get my SPM result within these 3 months. Ouch, Im not ready for it T_T

“Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one.”

p/s : Umi Munirah, if you are reading this, pls mind that you are now, welcome to read my blog. Be proud of it. hehe 

p/s : so I unhide my comment section. Im not sure on what purpose. But nevermind. Macam la ada orang nak komen ye dak?